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About Deviant Artist Member ana bitnerFemale/Costa Rica Recent Activity
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softmonkey
ana bitner
Artist
Costa Rica
i went to costa rica for a year. i'm back. i was trying to save my life and it didn't work.

i was emotionally abused as a child and have never been able to connect normally with people. i have tried to get help for years and it hasn't come to much. i recently diagnosed myself with PTSD, which is very frequently misdiagnosed as they don't really understand it yet.

for all the abuse i've been through, at the hands of my parents, peers, strangers, and the callousness of the blind eyes turned, the worst thing done to me is that my parents didn't love me. i had no base to work from, very little to sustain me and allow me to recover from all the damage i took.
trying to stay alive. succeeding so far.

i am an atheist, and i do not apologize for looking down on people who still want to believe in myths when reason is abundant.

still trying to understand myself and this world, and hoping that i can find a viable relationship to it. hoping to find some help and kindness along the way, but for all i've been through, for all i've seen, i'm a bit spooked.

if you have read this far, then i'm either more fascinating than people let on, or you are desperately bored. nonetheless, you should let me know what you think, of anything, me, you, the world, my writing, in light of all i've divulged.
it is charming to see people who have been raised dysfunctionally, no, really to see any of them, try to piece these things together, to figure out how to move in the world and understand the nature of all of it and what it means. but the dysfunctional ones, a light dysfunction, still left relatively unscathed but abraded enough to notice how painful these things are (all manner of life, the people, the experiences). i watch them seeming to function (but perhaps i seem to as well, if you don't look closely) and wonder what i might have produced had i been less wounded. there is, i imagine, a perfect amount of damage, enough to let you become a human being (as opposed to the hollowness  that seems to come of an idyllic life), but not so much as to maim.
  • Listening to: personal jesus - depeche mode

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:iconulyferal:
ulyferal Apr 9, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the watch!
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:icondizzymac:
Your writing is amazing. So deep and passionate! Surrounded with thoughts..it's wow. I know this is random, but would you consider joining our group?
Our group---> #Love-Forever-Create
It would be a honor to have your pieces displayed with us. Hope to see you there. Thanks!
Reply
:iconsoftmonkey:
i appreciate the compliment, but lately, nothing helps, i can't find the something, that thing that exists somewhere to make it better, or the strength to try to build a thing i don't understand and have no faith in. but i will try again, nonetheless. because i still want it, almost as much as i want the peace of nothingness. if i believed in it more, i would no doubt want it more, but the comfort of nothingness is unquestionable, in that it would be the cessation to the pain of existence, a pain some are fortunate to have little of, but there are such depths some have to survive, it is horrifying to think of those that i do not have the experience to comprehend, far from a comfort to know that i do not know it. it makes me realize the extent of the evil that perpetrates such a system where a handful have more things, things of a useless, vanity driven nature, then they could ever use, and even they have the pain of an empty internal existence, and the smugness of the self-proclaimed spiritually enlightened is no more elevated, except in that they miss a boat that they at least on some level realize exists. i know this sounds like the ravings of a lunatic, but no matter, anyone with any sense would see the species is insane for the most part. there are a few i regard as sane, but for the most part they are mad, only they don't know it. i know i am not sane. i could have been, but luck was not with me.
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:iconaiyashiya:
aiyashiya Feb 25, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for joining :iconphilosophical-poetry:
I look forward to reading your work. :)

You can check out the F.A.Q. HERE and if you have any questions just let me know.
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:iconxodark-angelxo13:
Thanks for the watch =D
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:icon50-shades-of-faye:
50-Shades-Of-Faye Jan 12, 2011  Student General Artist
Thank you for the watch =)
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:iconvykoth:
vykoth Jan 3, 2011  Student Writer
Thanks for the watch. I'll try and be a little more active...

Happy new year! :} I hope this finds you in good spirits.
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:iconthe-diffident-clown:
the-diffident-clown Dec 29, 2010
i'm impressed.
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:iconsoftmonkey:
do you mean my comment, or in general? did you understand i wasn't speaking of food? thanks, in any case. i needed that today.
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:iconthe-diffident-clown:
the-diffident-clown Dec 30, 2010
by your work! and yes.
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