~softmonkey

ana bitner

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About Deviant Artist Member softmonkeyFemale/Costa Rica

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yes, rebecahow i wish

so many things, if i make a list it becomes flat, if i put it in words it becomes flat, so let's leave it open and let it take flight

but do you know what it feels like when i listen to tori?

no, of course, you couldn't, the way i like to imagine i know how she feels when she sings them when she couldn't possibly (or was it me)

if only i could roll you up with doug and tara and sprinkle on a bit of jared and what i once could have been and then distill out all of the dross, then you would blind me, but for a second all would be illuminatedyes, rebeca by ~softmonkey

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red is my favorite colori picture the most beautiful and last thing i would see
and dream of sleep

maybe

if

but he says

it's me

i can't win

i still find small comfort in sleep

but i keep waking up

i only want to dream

reality keeps breakingred is my favorite color by ~softmonkey

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we didn't fall out...still twitchy, i see. you hit the send button and your insecurity ravages you, and all you can do, what you can't help doing, your shame burning you so badly you want to die, is kill the account you sent it from, the one you started, your courage and emotions buoyed by alcohol i imagine, explicitly to send the message. aren't you tired of repeating this? i have encouraged you to break out of the prison you keep yourself in, and it always feels good, but you run back and hide. just let go.

i just don't have much to talk to you about anymore, and i am entangled in my own battles with a callous world and my many demons. but i still implore you we didn't fall out... by ~softmonkey

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twitchit pulses out to about here
something
wants to get out
it's deep
it starts from somewhere
unfathomable
you wouldn't know
such
distance
could be found in there
he sees it
and frowns
what's wrong with you?
i keep it pushed outtwitch by ~softmonkey

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A ManI was drinking hot coffee with a man. He wore a tie and a bowler hat and a suit that smiled for him. His eyes were almost as light as his pearly teeth as he smiled his suit's smile. We were alone. "Life will kill you." He muttered as he sipped his coffee and smoked his cigarettes. He blew smoke in my face like an asshole but still he smiled his clothing's smile. He rhymed words that don't rhyme and then he vanished behind a cloud of his own putrid smoke. I was alone.A Man by ~The-Loathsome-Boy

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~softmonkey

ana bitner
Artist

Costa Rica

i went to costa rica for a year. i'm back. i was trying to save my life and it didn't work.

i was emotionally abused as a child and have never been able to connect normally with people. i have tried to get help for years and it hasn't come to much. i recently diagnosed myself with PTSD, which is very frequently misdiagnosed as they don't really understand it yet.

for all the abuse i've been through, at the hands of my parents, peers, strangers, and the callousness of the blind eyes turned, the worst thing done to me is that my parents didn't love me. i had no base to work from, very little to sustain me and allow me to recover from all the damage i took.
trying to stay alive. succeeding so far.

i am an atheist, and i do not apologize for looking down on people who still want to believe in myths when reason is abundant.

still trying to understand myself and this world, and hoping that i can find a viable relationship to it. hoping to find some help and kindness along the way, but for all i've been through, for all i've seen, i'm a bit spooked.

if you have read this far, then i'm either more fascinating than people let on, or you are desperately bored. nonetheless, you should let me know what you think, of anything, me, you, the world, my writing, in light of all i've divulged.

almostbleu.blogspot.com/

what does it mean

by ~softmonkey, Dec 7, 2011, 4:01:01 AM
Journals / Personal

it is charming to see people who have been raised dysfunctionally, no, really to see any of them, try to piece these things together, to figure out how to move in the world and understand the nature of all of it and what it means. but the dysfunctional ones, a light dysfunction, still left relatively unscathed but abraded enough to notice how painful these things are (all manner of life, the people, the experiences). i watch them seeming to function (but perhaps i seem to as well, if you don't look closely) and wonder what i might have produced had i been less wounded. there is, i imagine, a perfect amount of damage, enough to let you become a human being (as opposed to the hollowness that seems to come of an idyllic life), but not so much as to maim.

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Listening to: personal jesus - depeche mode

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Comments

*ulyferal Apr 9, 2011 Hobbyist Writer

Thanks for the watch!

~DizzyMac Mar 12, 2011

Your writing is amazing. So deep and passionate! Surrounded with thoughts..it's wow. I know this is random, but would you consider joining our group?
Our group---> #Love-Forever-Create
It would be a honor to have your pieces displayed with us. Hope to see you there. Thanks!

~softmonkey Mar 21, 2011

i appreciate the compliment, but lately, nothing helps, i can't find the something, that thing that exists somewhere to make it better, or the strength to try to build a thing i don't understand and have no faith in. but i will try again, nonetheless. because i still want it, almost as much as i want the peace of nothingness. if i believed in it more, i would no doubt want it more, but the comfort of nothingness is unquestionable, in that it would be the cessation to the pain of existence, a pain some are fortunate to have little of, but there are such depths some have to survive, it is horrifying to think of those that i do not have the experience to comprehend, far from a comfort to know that i do not know it. it makes me realize the extent of the evil that perpetrates such a system where a handful have more things, things of a useless, vanity driven nature, then they could ever use, and even they have the pain of an empty internal existence, and the smugness of the self-proclaimed spiritually enlightened is no more elevated, except in that they miss a boat that they at least on some level realize exists. i know this sounds like the ravings of a lunatic, but no matter, anyone with any sense would see the species is insane for the most part. there are a few i regard as sane, but for the most part they are mad, only they don't know it. i know i am not sane. i could have been, but luck was not with me.